I don’t know what to write about
But I do know am not the same
Not the same old
Something’s different
Of course something is
I can speak French now
Listen to some French seducing music
Read some romantic French novel
Watch some erotic French movie
Still
Something more
Something greater than my French knowledge has happened
Something bigger
Yet I can’t lay a finger on it
But I can feel it
Feel it as I increase my typing pace
To the rising crescendo of Celine’s Ordinaire
Pause
Let her words sink in
B…but do they really
The crescendo again
Then …il y a la guerre
Yes
There is a war
A war deep within me
A war between the old and the new
A war between mediocrity and superb
A war between success and failure
A war between fear and confidence
One between trust and suspicion
And all these wars weigh on me
Even without my consciousness
They snuffle on my will
On my motivation
On my self confidence
And
Not knowing which will win
The old or the new
The mediocre or the marvelous
Fills me with fear
Makes me shutter from the inside
Mountains my uncertainty
Uncertainty of the future’s mysteries
What will happen next
Will I achieve it all?
Will my grades improve
Will my heart wander into cupid’s world?
Will it not
Will I be alone…forever
Are the people around me the best for me?
Am I loving enough
Am I bright enough
Am I ambitious enough
Do I have all it takes
All these rodent on me
They eat me away
I can feel me fade
I can feel my strong will fade away
Away into the world of nothing but darkness
Darkness and loneliness
Loneliness that aggravates into destituteness
Helplessness
Yet they always say the power is within
If it is
Why cant I find it
Why cant I just reckon on it
Why cant it just sense the self-conflicts
Why…
Pause
I take a pause and look back
Look back to what took me through the darkest moments before
Whatever held me through the loneliest moments
Whomever consoled me during the helplessness
One who never left
And I smile
I smile when I remember
Just how I never thought I’d survive
How I thought I’d never make it
How wrong I’d been
How time and again
A plan had always been laid out
How time and again
He never seemed to fail
And how unchanging He was
Always there
Always faithful
And my heart rejoices
My heart leaps in joy
When I remember how great he is
How great is His faithfulness day in day out
How blessed am i
And at that moment
My heart rejoices in Him
Him who was slain for me
Him whose life He gave
My heart gladdens in Him
For He is all-knowing
And for He alone has the answer to it all
I shall want no more
I shall worry no more
For loyalty blood runs in me
Though the way of the cross.
