FEARS

 


I don’t know what to write about

But I do know am not the same

Not the same old

Something’s different

Of course something is

I can speak French now

Listen to some French seducing music

Read some romantic French novel

Watch some erotic French movie

Still

Something more

Something greater than my French knowledge has happened

Something bigger

Yet I can’t lay a finger on it

But I can feel it

Feel it as I increase my typing pace

To the rising crescendo of Celine’s Ordinaire

Pause

Let her words sink in

B…but do they really

The crescendo again

Then …il y a la guerre

Yes

There is a war

A war deep within me

A war between the old and the new

A war between mediocrity and superb

A war between success and failure

A war between fear and confidence

One between trust and suspicion

And all these wars weigh on me

Even without my consciousness

They snuffle on my will

On my motivation

On my self confidence

And

Not knowing which will win

The old or the new

The mediocre or the marvelous

Fills me with fear

Makes me shutter from the inside

Mountains my uncertainty

Uncertainty of the future’s mysteries

What will happen next

Will I achieve it all?

Will my grades improve

Will my heart wander into cupid’s world?

Will it not

Will I be alone…forever

Are the people around me the best for me?

Am I loving enough

Am I bright enough

Am I ambitious enough

Do I have all it takes

All these rodent on me

They eat me away

I can feel me fade

I can feel my strong will fade away

Away into the world of nothing but darkness

Darkness and loneliness

Loneliness that aggravates into destituteness

Helplessness

Yet they always say the power is within

If it is

Why cant I find it

Why cant I just reckon on it

Why cant it just sense the self-conflicts

Why…

Pause

I take a pause and look back

Look back to what took me through the darkest moments before

Whatever held me through the loneliest moments

Whomever consoled me during the helplessness

One who never left

And I smile

I smile when I remember

Just how I never thought I’d survive

How I thought I’d never make it

How wrong I’d been

How time and again

A plan had always been laid out

How time and again

He never seemed to fail

And how unchanging He was

Always there

Always faithful

And my heart rejoices

My heart leaps in joy

When I remember how great he is

How great is His faithfulness day in day out

How blessed am i

And at that moment

My heart rejoices in Him

Him who was slain for me

Him whose life He gave

My heart gladdens in Him

For He is all-knowing

And for He alone has the answer to it all

I shall want no more

I shall worry no more

For loyalty blood runs in me

Though the way of the cross.

Posted by

Spoken words fly away, but written words, written words remain engraved.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s